How to NOT be a total schmuck at online dating...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lessons learned from Match.com.

1. Pictures: I get it, you're attractive. You have a glowing athletic frame. Your ex-girlfriend (pictured clutching you in several shots) adored you. Your Mom loves you. Your dog already appears to be the love of your life. Your abs are so solid you could grate cheddar on them. You have traveled the world (indicated by several landscape only images). Huh? But 25 thumbnails. Seriously? Twenty-Five! Who needs that many adulating portraits?

2. Cliché parade: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, seems to Work Hard, Play Harder. Which is marred by the fact that the whole lot of you are really laid back. Oy.

3. Girls, Girls, Girls: Call me a girl and I'll cut you. Promise. A gal, sure. A lady, most certainly. A sophisticated intelligent sexy woman, by all means. But a g-i-r-l. No way! I'm not under age 13. And if you really are, in fact, looking for a girl, I'll find you on To Catch a Predator.

4. Naming Names: If your name is Bill, I'm sorry. We are not a match. (Something about a Rodgers & Hammerstein earworm that starts spinning every time I say your name. Like a tree he'll grow. With his head held high...)

Stay tuned for other musing about my latest self-inflicted impulse purchase.

2 comments:

  1. This post is delightful. It made my day! You are hilarious.
    Oh my gosh, you had me laughing until I cried. I (unforutnately) feel your pain as I have recently given online dating a try myself.

    I would also add this to the list:
    In this day and age of technology, certainly you can come up with a photo BESIDES one of you in your gym workout clothes, with a photo you take yourself by pointing the camera at the bathroom mirror with a FLASH. Honestly. Of course, all the other photos probably have the ex girlfriend in them right.
    Thanks for making me laugh HARD.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Scully, I'm glad you enjoyed this post. Originally, this list was much longer. (Including a little section on punctuation.)
    But as you know... any way you slice it, online dating is just AWKWARD. And painful.

    ReplyDelete

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