A Full Heart

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I'm standing at the television with my laptop propped open, staring out our living room window as the snow falls wet and heavy; swaying gently with a sleeping baby on my chest. Joni Mitchell appears on my musical rotation. Which is entirely fitting. I really don't know life at all.

In some ways this life, my life, still seems like a dream.

A last-minute sickness is keeping us home this Thanksgiving. So it will just be three of us. Three little bears hibernating with a small semblance of a turkey dinner. Maybe ordering pizza the next night, watching White Christmas and lots of rest.

When I remember past holiday seasons (as an adult) what I remember most vividly is a deep ache and usually at least one meltdown. Five years ago this life didn't exist. I could not fathom that I would get what I so deeply wanted. That life could be different. And then, it's like I snapped my fingers and here we are. A husband. A home. A baby. That's not to minimize the heartache others currently experience or the hopes others have but have not yet attained. And so often I resist celebrating these rich moments because I'm afraid. Afraid I'll offend someone or afraid that it will all vanish as quickly as it seemed to materialize. I suppose it could. But that unraveling is for another day.
Today, on this wintry Thanksgiving Eve, I look at where I've been and where I am now and my heart bursts in gratitude. Grateful for the slow work of God. Grateful I'm in this place. Grateful I've made the choices I have. Grateful to be learning and growing in new ways every day. I'm working hard to stay focused on the present and really savor this moment. Thanksgiving is less about the food and more about those we surround ourselves with. The connections and love we share with one another and how much richer life is because of our relationships. After years of resistance, and feeling as Anne Lamott puts it I have spent so much of my life with secret Swiss-cheese insides, I'm finally coming to understand both the abundance of love that exists for me and the abundance of love that is mine to give.

Special thanks to Alexis for taking these pictures.


  1. Love this! I hope to be able to have a similar experience before I die! (And hope you're all feeling a bit better!)


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